Sacred Rebellion: Unlearning Marianismo

Let’s have a difficult conversation regarding marianismo in the Latine community.

Marianismo is defined as:

"An idealized traditional feminine gender role characterized by submissiveness, selflessness, chastity and acceptance of machismo in males."

As I say often: There is no machismo without marianismo. They go hand in hand.

The term "marianismo" is derived from the Virgin Mary and reflects ideals like submissiveness, selflessness, and chastity. These qualities, which were weaponized through colonization and Catholic indoctrination, were forced upon Indigenous and African women throughout Latin America and the Caribbean. It’s no surprise that marianismo became (and still is) a system that upholds patriarchal control.

We can’t talk about machismo without also talking about the ways marianismo has upheld it—how it trained generations of women to serve, sacrifice, and stay silent.

I recently watched a TikTok where a Dominican woman shared how her mother treated her differently from her brothers. I felt that in my bones. I’ve seen firsthand how my own mother and tias did the same. Their sons could do no wrong, while their daughters could do nothing right. The sons were treated like kings. We, the daughters, were Cinderella before the ball. Household chores were completely gendered.

My brothers and male cousins came and went as they pleased. We had to beg to go outside or visit a friend's house. And even then? It was probably a no. "Uno nunca sabe." Or, "there are boys over there." Or simply, "there's too much to do in the house."

As a mother of boys, this ends with me.

In my home, chores are not gendered. My sons know that cooking is not a "woman's role" because everyone eats, and everyone should know how to feed themselves. They clean up after themselves, put their dishes in the dishwasher, make their own breakfast and lunch. I make dinner. But this is a shared home, and we all pitch in.

When each of my boys turned ten, learning how to do their own laundry was their rite of passage. I didn’t teach them, rather my husband did. I don’t clean their rooms, though I expect them to keep them clean weekly. These are the daily choices that teach partnership and respect.

I'm raising future partners.

I know too many women who feel like single moms even while married. Their partners don’t help. They don’t see the mess. They don’t hold the mental load. And when those marriages end, the emotional math becomes clear: some women feel lighter, freer. And some men? They fall apart. Because they’re finally seeing the invisible labor that kept their lives afloat.

My mother taught my older brothers how to cook and clean but get this...it was in the event my brothers were widowed so they didn't need a woman to do it. But once I was old enough to clean the house by myself (at 10 years old) they no longer had to do it. Once I turned ten, I became the default cleaner. The baton was passed, and the expectation was sealed.

Marianismo made our mothers, aunts, and abuelas exhausted. Depressed. Unappreciated.

And when first-gen daughters like us start unlearning it? When we assert boundaries, speak up, or stop saying "yes" to everything? We get labeled as ungrateful. Spoiled. Americanized.

But let’s tell the full story.

Many of us are more educated than our male relatives. We earn more. We don’t have to stay. And this independence scares those who benefited from the old ways.

Quick side note: Brujería played a role here too. Some women turned to dominating work to keep their men at home. Not because of love, but because without their husband’s income, the family could starve. This isn’t about morality; this is about survival. Remember, women couldn’t even open a bank account without a man until 1974. Not a loan. Not a credit card. Not even a checking account.

So yeah, some women used brujería to protect what little security they had. In some cultures, mothers gift their daughters gold bracelets at marriage; not just as heirlooms, but as emergency wealth in case she ever needs to leave him.

So when we talk about marianismo, we’re not just talking about outdated traditions—we’re talking about survival strategies that became shackles. We’re talking about the way our mothers loved us while trying to survive a world that demanded they be everything and ask for nothing. And we’re talking about us, the daughters and mothers now, unlearning, reclaiming, and reimagining a new way forward.

One where rest isn’t rebellion, where care isn’t gendered, and where our magic isn't rooted in pain, but in choice.

This is just the beginning. Welcome to Sacred Rebellion.

So, as you begin (or continue) dismantling the old cycles of marianismo, remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Healing these deep-rooted patterns takes time, compassion, and sometimes a guiding hand. If you’re craving gentle support, I’d be honored to hold space for you. Book a Reiki session to help realign your energy, or schedule a Tarot reading for extra clarity on your path. Let’s walk this journey hand in hand, reclaiming our magic and rewriting our stories, one loving step at a time.
Book your session here.